Self Care for Parents 3: 10 Self Care Practices to fit into real life as a parent
Here are 10 self care ideas that can make a difference for parents. See which ones resonate, and experiment!
1. Check in with yourself and meet your needs
Try to get in the habit of regularly noticing what is going on for you, in your body and in your mind. We can get so caught up in trying to read our children’s cues and understand what is going on for them, it can be easy to forget to pay attention to ourselves. Ask yourself, what is going on for me right now? What thoughts am I having? what feelings? and notice what you feel in your body. How full is your tank? Are you running on empty, or do you have plenty of reserves and resources?
Get in the habit of asking yourself regularly "What do I need right now?" Notice which of your needs are most needing your attention right now. Your needs include basic physiological needs like food, water, and going to the toilet when you need to (I’m sure other parents will agree on that one sometimes waiting longer than it should!). But needs also include your psychological needs like the need for safety, the need for connection and the need for autonomy.
Emily Wilding’s Theory of Human Needs, which we draw on a lot in CalmFamily classes is in the reference list below. The basis of this theory is that we all have a fundamental need for “regulation”, and this includes physical, emotional, sensory and cognitive regulation, as well as overarching psychological regulation. You can think of needs as a bit like a mixing desk, with each need set at different levels, and requiring more or less input. It’s much less likely that needs will be either on or off, and more likely that they will be needed and fulfilled in different amounts according to personal differences and differences over time and circumstance. It is difficult to remain calm and well-regulated ourselves when our needs are not met.
When you’ve worked out which needs are most in need of your attention, then do something to meet those needs, or make a date to do it, or a plan for the first step you can take towards meeting them.
2. Drop anchor when you are in an emotional storm
When you notice that you are struggling, heading towards overwhelm, try a short grounding practice to help you gain some stability and some thinking space. A grounding practice can be as simple as feeling your feet on the ground (I mean really putting your attention there; imagine what shape your feet would be making on sand). You might try some formal short exercises such as: Dropping Anchor, The Four Elements, or 5,4,3,2,1. I'll be writing more about them in the next blog, and there are some links in the references below.
3. Don’t believe everything you think
Our brains are extraordinarily creative, and our self talk provides a running commentary on much of our life. But many of our thoughts are not objectively true, and many are also not actually helpful. Try noticing your thoughts as thoughts (you might even say to yourself "I am having the thought that…") and see if it can give you a bit of distance. You don't have to respond to your thoughts - you don't have to argue with them, believe them, or act on them. Sometimes we can get caught up in trying to get rid of unwanted or unhelpful thoughts, and the effort can distract us from living our life, and sometimes actually makes the thoughts themselves stronger (just try for a minute to NOT think about a pink elephant). Try to unhook from your unhelpful thoughts and see if it frees you up to do more of the things that matter to you.
4. Let your body know it is safe
When we go into a stress response, hormones and neurotransmitters are released to prepare our body for a fight/flight response to the stressor we have perceived. Physiological symptoms such as fast shallow breathing, dry mouth, and tension in our muscles are signs that our body is ready to take action - to fight, or to run away. Our brains are wired with a “better safe than sorry” activation level (that is, they get activated well before we have time to consciously appraise the source of threat), and we are primed to notice threats in order to be ready to keep ourselves safe.
COVID has likely kept your activation system on red alert for a long time now. It's created a mix of unmet need, fear for the future, acute worry about illness and safety. Remember that in this moment you are safe. You don't need to be on red alert, and your body needs to return to a state of rest and digest, its soothing state, in order to replenish itself.
When we become stressed about things that don’t actually require our fight/flight mechanism, there are things you can do to let your body know that it is safe, by counteracting the physiological effects. Many known relaxation techniques utilise this - for example breathing techniques, muscle relaxation exercises. Even things like chewing gum or drinking water to increase saliva, and opening and stretching clenched fists, for example, can help to send signals to your body that it is safe.
There are a lot of different breathing techniques, but all have in common that by bringing your attention to your breathing you are more likely to breathe more deeply. It is especially helpful to try to consciously lengthen your exhale. Sometimes people like exercises where they breathe for a set count, others like imaginative breathing exercises. You might like to experiment and see what you find most helpful.
5. Change your environment. Go somewhere with your child that you both find restorative
It’s an old solution to a fractious child to “take them outside or put them in water”. A change of environment can do wonders for shifting our mood too. Research suggests that being outdoors is protective of our mental health, as is exercise. Lucy AitkenRead talks about Sites of Mutual Fulfilment (https://lulastic.co.uk/parenting/sites-mutual-fulfillment/), which are places "where both the child’s and the parent’s urges and needs are met. They are places where all parties leave with a full cup. They are the vital mental health break in a day for mum or dad." Try to find these places both you and your child find restorative. It might be that you love the plants and trees of a particular park because they help you feel connected to nature, and your child likes the open space to have more freedom to run around while still being safely seen.
If appropriate you might collect objects that remind you of your favourite places, so you can look at them and touch them when you are at home, and connect to some of the restorative power of your favourite place.
6. Move your body for stress busting
Try to get your body moving as often as possible. Research shows that exercise is one of the best mood boosters there is. Choose things that you enjoy, and your children enjoy, and adapt to make them suit your needs. You could put on your favourite music and have a dance party or build a yoga or stretching routine around a favourite story. You might even combine physical activity with stuff you need to get done around the house, and get your kids involved. Relay race taking items to the tumble drier as you sort them? Race to pick up the most toys? Or stick on a kids tune about tidying and sing and dance as you put things away. Lala Tigers have a dance track called “Pick up your Pants!” which is great fun!
7. Embrace "good enough" and learn to do less
It's easy to pile on the pressure to do more and more, especially if we are feeling guilty that we aren't doing enough messy play/special time/home cooked meals/wholesome activities/housework/reading together/independent play/imaginative play/exercise/baking together/self care* (delete/add as appropriate to your own impossible to do list!)
But our kids don't need us to be perfect; they just need us to be present. Donald Winnicott coined the term "good enough mother" to describe that those times when a baby or child has to wait a little bit to get their needs met, or where their needs can't be perfectly met, actually help the child to develop resilience, as long as they are responded to sensitively and responsively the majority of the time. Good enough is actually better than perfect. Perfect is an impossible standard to meet, and it paradoxically can make us feel stuck. Instead of trying to do all the things, all the time, give yourself permission to eat ready meals, let the mess be, allow a bit extra screen time - whatever you need to give yourself the breathing space you need to go and connect with your children and just be.
As a related point, try to value all the things you are doing. Turn your To Do list into a TaDa list and congratulate yourself on what you have achieved.
8. Practice Gratitude
Gratitude is about choosing where to put your attention. We know that our minds are primed to notice and hold on to threats - it’s part of their attempt to keep us safe - but they aren’t so good at really holding on to moments of connection, enjoyment and creativity. As Rick Hanson describes it, our minds are "velcro" for the bad stuff and "teflon" for the good. A regular gratitude practice helps you to notice the moments every day where things go well. It isn’t about denying the bad stuff, or the feelings that go with the bad stuff. And it isn’t about “looking on the bright side” or comparing yourself to others who have things worse than you. Instead it is simply about choosing to pay attention, every day, to things that bring you joy, however small. In her Parenting Manifesto Brene Brown writes: "I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude". Brene Brown's research has shown that gratitude is a practice that promotes joy rather than the other way around.
Gratitude journalling is when you write down three things each day (aim to make them different every day) that you are grateful for. It might be a moment of connection with your children, appreciating that you had leftovers from yesterday and didn’t need to cook again, or that you managed to stay calm in a tricky situation. The practice of doing this regularly (it doesn’t matter if you don’t manage daily) helps you to become better at noticing the moments when they come.
I started a gratitude journal in lockdown. I kept it very brief, and I don't manage to do it daily, but I found it so helpful to give me time to reflect on some of the unexpected silver linings. I found myself noting down funny moments with my daughter, her expressions and habits that made me laugh, as well as looking in a different way at some situations (like all the learning she was doing while I was impatiently wanting to get her ready in the morning), and drinking in more of the wonder on our daily walks.
9. Practice self kindness and soothing yourself
We become adept at noticing our children's cues and responding to them, soothing them when they are upset, seeing the best in them. Imagine if we could cultivate the love we have for our children, for ourselves? Try as an experiment talking kindly to yourself, in the way you would (in your calmest moments) talk to your child. What would you say to them if they were feeling this way? You might even let them hear you say it to yourself: “You are so tired, you’re trying your very best all the time, and everything feels new, it is exhausting.” Children learn their own self talk from how we talk to ourselves, as well as from how we talk to them.
10. Connect with someone who restores you
Parenting is the hardest job there is. We ALL need support to parent well, we didn't evolve to do this by ourselves inside our houses. Find other parents who will listen to you without judgement. Practice asking for what you need from friends and family. Connect with people who nurture the parts of you that don't get so much space now you are a parent (but ones who also get that your kids might interrupt!). Listen to parenting audiobooks and podcasts that soothe and inspire you. Find online groups that feel uplifting and help you know that you aren't alone (and ditch any that make you feel stressed, judged or drained).
References and Further Reading
Emily Wilding's Theory of Human Needs: https://www.calmfamily.org/blo...
Lucy AitkenRead talks about Sites of Mutual Fulfilment (https://lulastic.co.uk/parenting/sites-mutual-fulfillment/)
Lala Tigers Pick up your pants:
Brene Brown Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto:
Formal grounding exercises:
Dropping Anchor: https://www.flyingcolourseduca...
5,4,3,2,1: https://copingskillsforkids.co...
The Four Elements: http://emdrresearchfoundation....
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this blog is for information purposes only. The content is not intended to replace professional services, including but not limited to, any medical, psychological or legal services. Any engagement with this blog does NOT constitute services, advice or consultation and therefore is not in any way considered a professional relationship. I am a Clinical Psychologist, but I am not your Clinical Psychologist and I don't know your personal circumstances and needs. Please consult with a mental health services provider for support or consultation regarding the personal health and well-being of your children or yourself. Accessing such support is best done via your GP in the first instance.
