Top tips for becoming a confident parent
Please note that I first wrote this blog before the global pandemic hit. I’ve chosen to leave it as I wrote it, with additional notes for adapting my tips in a time of lockdown.
An online competition recently asked parents to give their kindest advice for a new parent, and it got me thinking about what I’d really have liked to be told as I became a mother. I didn’t find the transition an easy one – awesome, transformational, and the best thing I’ve ever done, yes, but also the hardest thing I’ve ever done by quite some way. Through those intense early months, through struggling a lot and finding my groove only in fits and starts, these are some of the things I’ve realized about what’s been most helpful for me. I hope they might help others too.
1. Ask for help. Find your village
You just grew a human, and your sleep is likely to be broken for the next 1-3 years or more. If people want to hold and coo over your baby, they have to do something to help you. Get a note to stick on the fridge of all the jobs that need doing. Ask them to stock your freezer with healthy meals. Gather people around you who support your choices, encourage you to listen to your instincts (see 2) and make you feel strong (not those who question or undermine you). Practice saying thank you when people help you, rather than apologizing for needing the help. It’s normal to need help. As they say “it takes a village to raise a child”.
It’s worth trying to gather people around you in advance of your baby’s arrival, so you already know who to call when you need a decent meal, someone to hold the baby while you take a shower, or more specialist support with things like feeding. Even better, ask your village not to wait for your call.
It’s easy to understand the need for support around the early weeks and months. More people are becoming aware of the “fourth trimester” and the need to nurture the new parents so the parents can nurture the baby. But the saying goes that “it takes a village to raise a child”; not, “it takes a village to raise a baby for the first few months”. As you child grows, the type of help you need may change, but the need for help remains.
Taking this advice doesn’t really doesn’t come easily to most people. We don’t live in a society where asking for support is seen as a sign of strength, which is really a pity. I’d love for things to change so that we don’t equate parenting success with being self-sufficient. That really isn’t how it’s meant to be.
In lockdown this tip becomes much more tricky, and we need to be much more creative about giving and receiving help. At our recent “Grandparents in the Pandemic” workshop we brainstormed a few ways for family and friends to help parents when they can’t come into their house. We discussed the importance for parents to feel listened to without people jumping in to problem solve, for little messages and check ins to know you are thinking of them, without pressure to respond in a certain way. We also discussed practical support with errands like shopping, dropping off freezer meals, and gifting support in the form of doulas or classes. We also talked a bit about sharing the mental load and learning to delegate with your partner (if they live with you). Family members felt they would value being told if there were particular things they could do to help, and knowing when was a good time to call etc. Normalising the difficulties, and supporting parents in knowing what to prioritise (baby cuddles over keeping a tidy house, for example) was really valued by parents.
Finding your village in lockdown might also include seeking out groups and classes that meet online, and that might take a bit more effort than usual. Some classes might be open to a family member joining you from a separate zoom screen too, so they can learn what you are learning and support you in that way.
2. Trust your instincts (and your values)
You are evolved to do this. Most of what your body and hormones tell you to do (cuddle your baby, respond when she cries) aren’t going to be wrong. Thankfully there is now a lot of scientific evidence (see 4) to support this. It can be hard to listen to our instincts amid the many other pressures and messages we get. I personally find it hard and I don’t think it’s a skill many of us learn well growing up. We could all learn something from our babies and toddlers in this regard; they are much better than we are at listening to their bodies.
Becoming a parent also taught me a lot about my own values and what is important to me. That’s a personal thing and it’s OK if it’s not the same as other parents. I found that trying to be clear with myself about what was important to me and why helped me in making decisions as a parent, as well as having those conversations with my partner. As an example, relationship with food is really important in our house - it’s an important part of my partner’s work, and we both value the social aspects of sharing meals, and it is important to us to make conscious choices about where our food comes from. So when it came to weaning our daughter it was really important that we ate with her, respected her food choices, allowed her to experience all the different senses associated with food, and offered her food which met our own values around health and the environment.
During the pandemic it might be even harder to tune into our instincts amid the noise of anxiety, and the many ways in which our needs become harder to meet. Or, it might be that "hibernating" with just your immediate family allows you to drown out some of the external noise and makes it easier. Or it might be a bit of both.
3. Follow your baby
Your baby is evolved too, she was born with very few abilities except to get her needs met by others (though she’s also learning fast from all of her experiences). Try to spend time getting to know the signals which tell you when she is starting to get hungry, tired, overstimulated, bored. Some of the signals will be similar to other babies – for example, many babies may stick their tongue out when they are starting to get hungry - while others may be very specific to your baby. Those who practice Elimination Communication (responding to the signals of very young babies about the need to go to the toilet, so that they don’t need to wear nappies) will tell you that babies even make very specific signals when they are about to urinate - way before they have any language to tell you or even to understand themselves what the sensation means. It’s up to us to learn what our babies are telling us.
Sometimes, this communication with our baby will be instinctive and difficult to articulate, and it might come slower for some parent-baby relationships than others. Reading about mothers who could distinguish a cry for a nappy change from a cry for a feed made me personally feel like I was failing. Again, we are all different, some babies will give clearer cues than others, and some parents will find it easier to tune into than others. Try to relax into it, be curious about what your baby might be trying to say, and it will come.
LOCKDOWN: More time together is no bad thing from the baby’s point of view, and you may find that the lack of interruptions from visitors makes it easier to really focus on what your baby is telling you. However, it is really hard to fully be present with your baby if you are struggling to meet your own needs, and that might be harder when getting the right support takes so much more creativity and effort. Be kind to yourself. There’s more about self-care and self-compassion in some other blogs coming soon…..
4. Get knowledge
Read and learn about the evidence for different parenting choices. Let the evidence support your instinctive decisions (it will). Learn the things you need to that would once have been passed down through the generations by watching others. For example, you might want to learn how to wear your baby safely and comfortably in a sling, things you can do to help soothe your baby when they are upset, to understand how to bedshare safely, how to breastfeed successfully, how to introduce solids (your list might be different to mine). Enlist support for these from specialists if reading and watching videos about it isn’t enough. When people question your instincts (“if you pick her up when she cries, she’ll learn to expect that and you’ll be making a rod for your back”), you will be ready to (gently) educate them to about why you do what you do (“I really hope she does learn to expect comfort when she is upset”)
LOCKDOWN: There is a huge amount of knowledge available from books and online through social media and zoom classes, probably more so than before the pandemic. Classes are no longer restricted by area so you could do a class with the friend and their baby who live across the country, and you have a much greater choice to find times and styles to suit you and your baby. But, with this huge choice comes the potential for massive overwhelm. Try to find groups, classes and information sources that fit with your values and support you to make your own choices, not ones that compete to show you the “right” way to do things or undermine what you are already doing.
Which brings us neatly to:
5. Learn to ignore unsolicited and unhelpful advice (including this blog if it’s not helpful to you!)
It seems that people can’t help themselves when it comes to offering advice about babies. Especially about sleep, feeding, and how often or quickly you offer comfort. Hopefully, trusting your instincts, getting to know your baby and their signals, and reading up on the latest research will help you to feel confident in the choices you make as a parent, but it’s amazing how easy it is to feel undermined, and how frequently you might find yourself questioning your choices, after well-intentioned but unhelpful advice.
Sometimes it comes in the form of personal experience made into generalisations (“we found that with our baby, the better he napped in the day, the better he slept at night; sleep breeds sleep”). But all babies are different. I seriously cannot emphasise this enough. Just as all grown ups, and all families, are different, with different genetics, temperament, experiences, values and needs.
Others may have sought the advice of a specialist, and want to share for free the plan they’ve paid for. Any specialist with any integrity will have provided an individualized plan based on the specific circumstances of the family they are working with. They’ll also (hopefully) have provided the family with the evidence supporting their approach, and hopefully something about risks, benefits and alternatives. Even better, they might have not provided a plan, but just the education and toolkit for the family to make their own plan. At any rate, it all might have taken 60-90 minutes of consultation, minimum, plus preparation and follow-up. Your friend cannot hope to share this wisdom with you in a single line of advice, however well-intentioned. Parenting is often about the careful balancing of different needs, the solution will vary between families and context. That’s not to say that hearing about the experiences of other parents can’t be helpful. But know that, when it isn’t, that is just because families are different.
Some people suggest having some stock phrases to help you to deal with advice when it comes. You might want to thank them for trying to help, ask if there is any research to back up what they are saying, or simply tell them that you are happy with things the way they are. (As an aside, it’s also OK to not be happy with things the way they are and still not take the advice. It’s OK to find it tough, and know that it will pass in time, as your baby grows, without having to solve it.) But remember, you don’t have to convince them, or have their approval for your parenting choices. You are the expert in your baby.
LOCKDOWN: Unsolicited advice might come through different mediums during lockdown - you are much less likely to be floored by a throwaway comment from your friend over coffee, but might be bombarded with messages (even indirectly) via social media, and it might be much harder to avoid such messages if social media feels like an important link to the world outside your house. Remember that few people put the reality of daily life on social media, there is always a spin. Remember to connect with real people who will support your decisions and remind you of why you made them (I do know phone and zoom are not the same as getting a hug though).
Of course, it is impossible really to reduce confident and connected parenting to 5 top tips. I have plenty more ideas, which I will be covering in future blogs. What would be your top tips to help new parents navigate the transition to parenthood? Drop me an email at hannahguzinska@calmfamily.org if you have an idea for a future blog for parents of babies and toddlers, from antenatal to age 5.
If you are struggling with being a new parent, please reach out for support. Our BabyCalm classes offer a chance to connect with other parents and learn about infant development in a safe, non-judgemental space. You’ll leave with more confidence, a greater understanding of and connection with your baby, and new friends who already support your own parenting choices.
