Self Care for Parents 2: General Tips

Here are 5 general tips to help you develop your self care, without making it yet another unticked box on your to do list.

1. Practice tuning into your body and notice what you are feeling
   Awareness of our current state takes practice. We can spend a lot of our lives on autopilot, especially when it comes to our body and feelings. What sensations are you feeling? Can you notice where your body is in contact with your surroundings? What is your temperature like? Are you hungry, thirsty? What feelings do you notice? Where do you feel them? Some people find it helpful to lay a hand over their heart and/or on their belly to tune into what is going on in their body. Others find it helpful to move and stretch, and notice their body more through doing that. As you check in you might choose to take three breaths. 
   
   Awareness of our current state is a prerequisite for changing it. Having said that, try noticing what is going on for you with acceptance rather than judgement. Try to notice with curiosity and empathy. We often talk about how our children (and friends and family) need empathy before problem-solving, and the same is true for ourselves.
   
   Try to make it a habit (see below) to check in with your body in this way several times a day. 
   
   
2. Experiment and find what works for you
   Don’t just take my work for it, try out different self care practices and see what works for you. Building on your awareness, try rating your feelings on a scale and noticing whether what you do moves you down the scale. Notice that some practices will work for some situations, and others will work for others.
   
   
3. Make it a habit, and practice
   Try to link self care practices to things you already do to build associations, or set reminders on your phone. You might, for example, set a reminder to do a 3 minute check in, and take three deep breaths, at several times over the course of a day, or do it every time you use the toilet, or every time the doorbell rings. When your baby is little you might try to do it during the course of every feed, or each time you boil the kettle. 
   
   Practice doing things to help with your stress levels regularly, rather than waiting until you are in fight/flight mode (when they will be less effective and you will probably forget how to do them). By practicing when you are coping OK, you will be better able to use them when you are stressed. Also, by reducing your stress level by a couple of points on your self-rating scale, you are less likely to tip into fight/flight mode in the first place. 
   
   
4. Use your senses and practice being “present”.
   Mindfulness meditation practices are all about noticing our experience in the present moment, without judgement, and they are demonstrated to have huge benefits for our mental health. In mindfulness meditations we talk about having an “anchor” that we come back to when our mind wanders (often the anchor is our breath). So each time we find ourselves pulled away from the present by our thoughts we just notice that has happened, without judgement, and move the "spotlight of our attention" back to our "anchor". But being mindful doesn’t have to be through meditation - any time we are able to just “be” in the moment, we are being mindful, and our anchor may be our sensations as we engage in an activity. 
   
   Being with children generally can be a great lesson in mindful awareness, children spend much less time thinking about the past and the future, or going into autopilot. Try noticing your child’s curiosity and wonder at the world and experiencing it through their eyes. Try really being present with your child. Let your child be your anchor. And when you attention wanders - to the next task on your to do list, or to how guilty you feel about having shouted yesterday, try not to get cross with yourself, but just gently return your mind to the present and your child.
   
   When we are struggling to stay present, using our senses can really help with bringing our attention to the moment. You might try to notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can taste, and 1 thing you can smell.
   
   
5. Use your imagination
   Our imagination is powerful. Just take a moment to think about how much of the source of your stress is actually real, and how much is imagined. We might play out scenarios that happened long ago, or conjure up dreaded future scenarios, but they are the products of our imagination, not things actually happening in the here and now.
   
   Now notice how you feel when you imagine those scenarios. Chances are, your body responds with feelings and sensations related to the scenario you conjured up. If I ask you to imagine your favourite meal in detail your mouth might start salivating. So our brains are extraordinarily good at imagining things, and our body and brain responds to those imaginings as if they are real. Our imagination also tends to be very good at leaping to feared scenarios - it operates in a better-safe-than-sorry mode and tries to protect us by preparing us for many eventualities, most of which will never happen.
   
   Now take a moment to think about what would happen if we could cultivate our wonderful imagination to conjure up images and scenarios of safety. Imagine a place where we feel safe and relaxed. Imagine the gentle touch of a trusted friend resting on our back, just behind our heart when we are feeling stressed, or what a dear friend might say to us if they were here in the moment when we make a mistake or are struggling. If it is hard (for some of us it really is) to really say those words to ourselves, imagining the words of someone else who is kind and compassionate towards us can be really comforting. Your imagination is a powerful tool to harness in the practice of nurturing yourself.
   
   
   
   There are more specific ideas coming in part 3 of my Self Care for Parents blog series. You can also read more about why self care is important for parents in part 1. 
   
   

DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this blog is for information purposes only. The content is not intended to replace professional services, including but not limited to, any medical, psychological or legal services. Any engagement with this blog does NOT constitute services, advice or consultation and therefore is not in any way considered a professional relationship. I am a Clinical Psychologist, but I am not your Clinical Psychologist and I don't know your personal circumstances and needs. Please consult with a mental health services provider for support or consultation regarding the personal health and well-being of your children or yourself. Accessing such support is best done via your GP in the first instance.